GROCERY GLADIATORS

Surviving the Supermarket: A Tale of Woe and Coupons

Where 'Express Lane' is a concept as mythical as unicorns.

When you set out to conquer the supermarket with coupons in hand, but end up in a gladiator match with a self-checkout machine that has a personal vendetta against your produce. Digitally created Adobe photo plus by Jamel Hendley

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It was a Tuesday. Not just any Tuesday, but the kind of Tuesday that screamed for a heroic venture into the wilderness of consumerism: the supermarket. Armed with a shopping list that read like a plea for nutritional salvation and a fistful of coupons promising discounts akin to finding the Holy Grail, I embarked on what I believed was a simple gatherer’s quest.

Entering the sliding doors felt like stepping into Narnia, if Narnia was a fluorescent-lit maze designed by someone who thought linear shopping experiences were too mainstream. The first challenge wasn’t finding the produce section; it was surviving the onslaught of shopping carts driven by people who seemed to have received their licenses from a cereal box.

I navigated the aisles with the grace of a ballet dancer avoiding land mines, clutching my coupons like sacred texts. The bread aisle was my first battlefield. Loaves upon…